May 30, 2011

I have two weeks to go before my Geodon is lowered again

I thought I would write and share how it has been going, after my last writing the relating to Jeff and my brother is better. I have not flew into a rage since I wrote last so that makes the living around me better.

I have had many thoughts, some things I have not thought of in awhile. It is interesting how things I haven’t thought of in a long time just pops into my mind, and then I have to figure out what to do with it. I want to know why it is there in the first place. I know that I am in control of my thoughts after i have them and I have been working at letting many of them go,saying they were something I thought of in my past but I do not have to think of them now. There are others that bring with them some emotions that I have not experience in a while,again have to figure out why now and what to do with them.

I believe that for an year and half I have had a cap on my emotions and thoughts and now that I am slowly getting off of the med some things are able to resurface. I am trusting that I am able to handle those emotions and thoughts without a medicine. 

May 22, 2011

it is my second doze reduction

Things are getting alittle more intense now and it is starting to effect my life every day. I am on 60mg now and its just geting hard.

The question of “if I should be doing this is?” is starting to focus often in my mind, also questions about what if a pill was what was making things work like my marriage and it hasn’t mess up work but what about work.

I do not know who are my supports, I mean after I got very angry with my brother and Jeff about different things neither one of them are talking to me.. I can say it feels like with the anger it comes out real strong ,not tactful  when I say I am sorry even that is in an angry tone.

so I am here writing about my experience getting off of Geodon with this haunting question; What if it is what has given my life peace around my family and others? What if I get off this med. and I nor nobody else likes what I am underneath the Geodon. Wow  

I wonder if it is to early to wonder about these questions and things do get intense but they don’t stay that way.   This is just a very uncomfortable place to be and not having support really troubles me. Keep on telling myself that this to shall pass ,do my best to keep still  Just hope I will be forgiven soon in my family this silence is very painful.

If I had good support it would look like not giving up on me and trusting with me that the rough edge would pass soon and know I am not comfortable in my own skin  Someone who would just talk to me ask questions   this will be ok 

this is the blog for the moment

I can do this  I can

April 22, 2011

It has been a week and three days

It has been a week and three days since I have lower my dose of Geodon.

Some parts of my day I feel no change and then other parts of my day there is a change. Parts of my day I feel like everything is heighten and intense. my emotions thoughts even with my senses and body. Then in the evening there is a restlessness that is hard to deal with but I do pretty well by walking.

I am not to start really feel different until after 60 mg. but some of it is happening now.  I tell myself this is just transitional and this to shall pass. 

April 17, 2011

I am getting off Geodon

I am so happy, I am going to be getting off Geodon, it will take till July to be completely off. The Doctor was very open to it, said we would do 20mg a month till I am completely off. Of course he had to tell me all the things that could or would happen and when it might happen. Luckily I already knew most of it after reading

Harm Reduction Guide To Coming off Psychiatric Medications  

I am ready for most of what can happen. I can start dealing with these things as early as now. What I have notice is my eyes look more awake I want to talk more.

I will write on this blog about this journey

February 1, 2011

I am now 55 wow

I turned 55 Monday and it feels strange for many reasons. One reason for sure is that I never thought I would live this long. I knew that I was becoming healthier since 2006 and I knew I had become accepting of those things I could not change about me.

I’m glad that now I understand and am grateful for something a doctor said years ago He said I would never be my age. then it hurt like hell now I am glad. I do not feel old.

What I feel is a gratefulness that I did not kill myself the times I tried.I am glad that I have change some of behaviors that I could change and acceptance for things I cannot change no matter how hard I have tried through the years.

I have learned that having expectations of people only hurt the relationship. I have learned that friendship is really two ways ,you cannot have a friend who is not a friend back. I learned that sometimes I have to do the opposite of what my feelings are saying. I have learned that people really do like me and I need to believe that that it is ok to trust some people. I learned that I have important things to say, I do have wisdom and it is really ok to even say that.

I know that some people have learned this stuff growing up I guess if I had then some problems would not of happened but they did happen and I have and am learning what I need to know from past years.

For this coming year, These are my hopes. I hope that I can get off a med or two. I hope that I can stop some of the services I have because I do not need the extra supports I have in my life now (didn’t have them for 30 some years). Travel. Will have lost some weight. See my son. Have some speaking engagements. Just many things  Have 4 close friends. Will do things to have fun even if it means by my self.    One Day At a Time and Breath 

January 17, 2011

want to post what was in the Wichita Eagle Sunday

Mental health dialogue needs to be more open, Wichita-area advocates say

20 Comments

BY RON SYLVESTER

The Wichita Eagle

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GETTING HELP

Community resources for people suffering from mental illness and their families:

Comcare Crisis Hotline: 316-660-7500. Answered 24 hours

Other emergencies: 911 — ask for an CIT-trained officer (crisis intervention training).

NAMI/Wichita: (316) 686-1373 Offers peer-to-peer classes for the mentally ill, support for families and other resources.

Mental Health Association of South Central Kansas (316) 685-1821. Provides a counseling center, education and advocacy for treatment.

Breakthrough Club: (316) 269-2534. A non-profit, community to help people living with severe mental illness live independently.

Mental Health First-Aid: Comcare offers a program to help people deal with mental health emergencies before they can get professional help and support. The next course is scheduled for April 21-22. Call 660-7525.

Center for Community Support and Research, Wichita State: Offers services designed to help mental health consumers make decision and take control of their treatment. 978-3843.

HELPFUL LINKS

NAMI/Wichita (National Alliance On Mental Illness)

NAMI’s national website

NAMI Blog

Treatment Advocacy Center

Mental Health Association of South Central Kansas

Comcare of Sedgwick County

Center for Community Support and Research, Wichita State

Pat Deegan’s Common Ground: web-based help for people with mental illness

Nancy Jensen cringed as she watched from Wichita the unfolding story last week of the deadly shooting rampage in Arizona.

“It’s sickening,” Jensen said of speculation about the mental health of the suspected gunman, Jared L. Loughner. “No one wanted to talk about what it really was — an assassination attempt. All of the sudden it’s about mental illness.”

Jensen has lived with mental illness all of her adult life. She knows people like her are far more likely to suffer violence than hurt others.

“For every person like myself, who lives with mental illness, these kinds of situations make it even more of a stigma,” Jensen said. “It makes you wonder what people think of you…”

But mental health care leaders also say the tragedy in Tucson, which left six people dead and U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords fighting for her life, highlights a system struggling to serve those who need it.

Services overwhelmed

Community mental health services in the Wichita area are overwhelmed by severe budget cuts and increasing demand, officials say.

Comcare, Sedgwick County’s mental health agency, has seen its funds cut by nearly two-thirds — from $4.9 million in 2006 to $1.9 million last year.

“These short-term cuts are long-term stupidity,” said Gerry Lichti, president of Wichita’s chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

“We would not think about not treating people with diabetes who are in crisis, or heart disease…” Lichti said.

“But the persons with mental illness are left without access and — unless they have advocates working for them — it’s a disaster.”

Still, more people each year are seeking help — some in the midst of emergencies.

“We’re still able to serve and help people, but our resources are strained,” said Jason Scheck, director of Comcare’s crisis intervention services.

About one in four Americans suffers some kind of mental illness, according to NAMI. One in six has a serious condition such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

Mentally ill people are 11 times more likely to be victims of violence than to be perpetrators, according to researchers at Northwestern University.

Treatment cuts the risks of both, Lichti said.

“Treatment works,” Lichti said. “If one can access treatment, then those folks are no more apt to do violence than the rest of the population.”

Without treatment

Scott Roeder had bouts of mental illness, and his family said he avoided treatment for years before he killed Wichita abortion doctor George Tiller.

An estimated two of every five people suffering from mental illness are not receiving treatment on any given day, said the Treatment Advocacy Center, a nonprofit group based in Arlington Va., run by psychiatrist E. Fuller Torrey.

Less treatment means an increased risk of violence, suicide, abuse and homelessness, the group said.

Jensen, the Wichita woman, knows how difficult it can be to find and maintain proper treatment.

With a shortage of treatment centers and housing in the late 1980s, Jensen ended up as one of the residents at the Kaufman House in Newton.

For years, Arlan and Linda Kaufman operated a group home where, authorities later learned, residents who suffered from severe mental diseases were abused. The couple is now in federal prison, but Jensen’s emotional scars remain.

“There is violence inside the system, where people are restrained and put in seclusion,” Jensen said.

People with mental illness are eight times more likely to be robbed, 15 times more likely to be assaulted and 23 times more likely to be raped than the general population, said psychiatric researchers at the Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine.

But Jensen said she rarely hears about that on the news.

“But when something horrible like this happens, people talk about mental illness,” Jensen said. “When domestic violence happens, you don’t talk about mental illness.”

Jensen is a certified peer specialist, who works counseling other mentally ill people. Jensen also trains others through the Center for Community Support and Research at Wichita State University.

“We need to have a voice inside the system because we’re the ones who live it,” Jensen said.

Prison, not hospital

In reality, research shows, the mentally ill face punishment more than help.

People with mental illness are three times more likely to end up in jail or in prison than in a hospital. That’s according to a study released last spring by Treatment Advocacy Center of Washington, D.C., and the National Sheriffs’ Association.

Wichita has tried to fix that problem by putting 198 police and sheriffs’ officers through crisis intervention training the past two years. The program teaches police how to recognize a mentally ill person in crisis and how to help them find treatment and avoid jail.

The city also runs a mental health court, which offers alternatives to jail.

It’s helping, Comcare’s Scheck said, but it has kept the Sedgwick County Offender Assessment Program (SCOPE) near capacity all year.

“If we’re going to continue to grow, we’ll need additional resources,” said Scheck, who also manages SCOPE.

Later this month, the county’s Criminal Justice Coordinating Council will consider adding a mental health unit to the jail and hiring two case workers and a therapist, Scheck said.

Comcare is also asking the county for a crisis stabilization unit — a one-stop resource for consumers of mental health services.

The center would provide short-term, in-patient beds, walk-in evaluations, case workers, family counselors and peer specialists.

“That is something that is much needed in our community,” Jensen said.

Helping hands

It will take a community effort to help improve access to treatment and reduce barriers for the mentally ill, advocates say.

Jensen said family members, classmates and neighbors who notice strange behavior should offer help.

As Jensen watched the coverage of the Arizona shooting, she heard the wrong questions being asked about Loughner.

“You hear a lot of people saying something was wrong with him, but no one is asking why no one helped this person,” Jensen said.

“If someone had stepped in and gone with him to get an evaluation, it might have made getting treatment easier,” she added. “It might have erased some of the stigma of being mentally ill.”

November 28, 2010

Sunday,What can I say about Sunday?

There is so much I want to say about Sunday.

Sunday starts a new week.

It is a day of rest for some who believe that God was talking about Sunday.

People go to a building where they meet with others and they sing and listen to someone talk about God and how we ought to be doing things better for others.

Sunday use to be very important to me, going to a building greeting everyone, singing songs about my Jesus, praying for needs of others and then listening to a man share what he has learned from the Bible this past week, then we sing a closing song about Jesus and leave the building till next week. Some people would get together during the week and read the Bible and share what is happening in their lives and you pray with them and then go home. Then it becomes Sunday again.

I do not go to a building anymore and to be honest I do miss it. I miss hearing the songs about Jesus and hear what the Pastor thinks is important to share. I miss taking the bread and the cup as a remembrance of Jesus and what He did for me. I miss praying for others and the excitement when someone chooses Christ and yet it is better for me to not be there.

I have had some wonderful experiences being in church and I have had some very painful things that was done” in His name” to me. I have met some wonderful people and some of my most painful relationships were those in the church.

So on Sunday I listen to Christian music and do some Scripture reading and do some praying and just have my own church. Some day I will go back into a building but for now its just me and God.

As I read what I just wrote I am sad that it has come to this and yet I am at peace that I am not messing up any relationships and that I am not a mission for someone. That is how it use to be, now I am free to BE What God Wants Me to Be. 

November 27, 2010

This Saturday I am stuck at home

So I was nice, and let Jeff take my car to work at the mall. I then wish I had my car, so if I wanted to go out I could, but knowing me, I would stay home anyway.

As I sit here and wonder what to do that would make my day a good day. I have decided to practice my sessions that I am facilitating the week of the 6th. at the 5-day Basic Certified Peer Specialist training.

I have also decided to put on some Christmas music throughout the house.

I will look on Twitter and Facebook and see what my friends are doing this fine Saturday.

I have a typing project that I have not done for awhile maybe I will do that.

A walk before it gets cold would be smart too.

Well that list seems to be a good one and sharing on my blog is fun.

If you are reading this I hope you are having a wonderful day too. 

November 26, 2010

What I want for Christmas if I could have.

I just want to write down what I want for Christmas. Knowing that it will not happen but part of the fun is that wish list.

I want money so that  I can get out of debt. Want to pay off my school loan. Want to pay off a debt that I cannot stop I have to just pay it off.

I want 100. for books or things like that.

I want 300. to buy some cloths at Catherines

I want to have enough money to go to Colorado to see my son, which means gas money and motel room and food money.

I want to go out to eat at some of my favorite places.

I for sure want peace in my home, I want love in my home, I want joy in my home. 

November 25, 2010

What am I thankful for this Thanksgiving

These are things that I am grateful for this Thanksgiving.

I am thankful that Jeff and I are together.

I am thankful that living in a big house with my brother and Jeff has been a real blessing.

I am thankful that I have seen and talk with my son.

I am thankful that I have a job at the place I love to work at CCSR.

I am thankful for being able to pay my bills and not be in debt.

I am thankful that my health is better health this year.

I am thankful that I have wonderful friends.

I am thankful that I have that I have learned some good skills to stay healthy.